On Holding Back

I had Danny's conference and I'm beginning to suspect that his teacher thinks I should have held him back. If you are a mother of a child with a birthday near the age cutoff for kindergarten, you know this stress too well.

"Ready or not, here I come!" That's what entering kindergarten used to be like when most of us were children. These days, parents have taken a new worry upon themselves: "my child is old enough, but should I send him or her to kindergarten?" Parents of four-year-old children across the U.S. worry about a decision that they will have to live with for the rest of their child's education...and school hasn't even started yet!

If you are struggling with this issue, I can guarantee I will not be the first person to give you advice. People have very strong opinions on this issue. Even the language we use to describe this decision is hopelessly loaded: think for a minute about "holding back." Like your child is a horse at the gates, chomping at the bit while the others break forth, leaving him behind. And "promotion" is no better, as if your gifted little executive has made a great impression with the higher ups and is on his way to bigger and better things.

But folk wisdom is usually pretty clear on this issue. Your well-meaning, fellow parent friends will say something like this:

"You have a boy? Hold him back!"

or "You have a girl? What are you worried about?"

Now wouldn't it be nice if the decision was that simple?

There's some truth to the gender bias here: many preschool girls gravitate towards quiet or pretend forms of play that they will be engaged in during kindergarten as well: coloring, puzzles, pretend play... they might even play school! Many parents and preschool teachers overestimate little girls' maturity levels because these play preferences make them start to look like good little kindergarten children when they are as young as three years old.

On the other hand, many boys seek out more active and loud types of play that parents and preschool teachers shudder to think of making their appearance in the kindergarten classroom. As a result, young boys' abilities to sit still or follow directions tend to be underestimated if the boys haven't had a chance to demonstrate these behaviors in structured preschool settings.

But the truth is, there's no simple rule to follow about kindergarten entrance. The decision must be made for your child and your child only. If you are lucky enough to have an educator who knows your child give you advice that you actually agree with, read no further. But if you don't agree with your child's preschool teacher or your child's future elementary school, or if you don't have the benefit of an educator's opinion, read on.

The first thing I want you to remember is, it's not about you. Look deep in your heart and be honest with yourself...do you want to hold your child back because you want him to stay your baby just one more year? Or do you want to promote her because you will take great pride in saying that all her teachers thought she was just so darn qualified, even at the tender young age of four?

The truth is, parents tend to overestimate the importance of academics in making this decision. The logic goes...if my child is reading already, doing addition and subtraction, has been in preschool for years, etc., she is more than ready for kindergarten, and she will be (gasp!) bored if I hold her back.

On the other side of the fence, parents put too much weight on the academic advantage in later years, that this could be the difference between going to Harvard or the local community college. Part of this overemphasis on academic factors is that parents assume school will be one-size-fits-all, and they should try to stack the deck in favor of their child so that he or she will excel in comparison with her peers, while not being so bored she doesn't check out on schooling altogether. And I won't pretend that there aren't teachers who teach to the middle, and who might have difficulty challenging an advanced reader, or supporting a struggling one. But most schools these days are engaged in efforts to meet each child where they are and teach to his or her strengths.

The other truth about this issue is, teachers tend to overestimate the importance of social and emotional maturity. One favorite euphemism for educators on this topic is giving "the gift of time." But sometimes the behaviors teachers will cite for needing this time are not necessarily going to "work themselves out" with another year of growth.

If your child is the oldest at home and tends to be bossy or controlling when playing with his peers, do you really think he will become less so if he is given a year to get older and bigger and stronger than the other kindergartners? Perhaps your child is shy or quiet and you're hoping the extra year will help her grow in confidence and assertiveness. But if your child is allowed hours of quiet, solitary play at home or in a small day care setting, will the shyness or quietude work their way out of her modus operandi? No, the extra year before kindergarten is not in and of itself a gift. It is only a gift if it is used well. If your child has challenges with social skills, they won't get any better unless he has some instruction and practice in making them better. And sometimes, the very best place for developing those social skills or maturity levels is in kindergarten.

While academic accomplishments are great, and socially competent, mature children are a delight to have in class, I think decisions on this issue should hinge mostly upon two factors: attention span and impulse control. If your child gets up from your lap and wanders away from a highly engaging children's performance, how do you think circle time is going to go? If you wouldn't even consider telling your four-year-old to "use your words" for fear that they'll come out as expletives during the assault on a child who has just taken his toy, it may be a sign that your child is not in control of his or her impulses. Much of the kindergarten day will require listening--thus, the need for an attention span--and waiting--thus, the need for impulse control.

If you have a child with both of these in place, you may well have a child who is ready for kindergarten.