When a teacher says something is wrong with your child, she is right. Even if she's wrong.
Let me explain.
Teachers have to get to know 20 to 30 new students every single September. Within a few short weeks, teachers have to get to know each child well enough to describe their strengths and weaknesses so they can actually teach them something. They have also been taught to believe in early intervention: if there's a problem, catch it early, so you can do something about it. Talk about pressure.
So the first thing they do is look for patterns of behavior. With just a few short weeks to get to know a lot of kids, they tend to label a repeated behavior a pattern after they see it just a few times. Now, we parents know that some patterns are short-lived, and others are lifelong. In my son Danny's case, the teacher nailed the pattern: he doesn't respond right away to verbal directions, and sometimes needs prompting to do what he's supposed to do. But she didn't have to be right about the pattern, because my son is also a little nervous in new situations, and could have just felt shy the first few weeks of school. How is a teacher supposed to know the difference so early in the year?
Then teachers interpret your child's patterns of behavior by making comparisons. They compare your child's patterns to the other children in the class. They compare your child's patterns to other children they've taught in previous years. And they compare your child's patterns to what a student at that grade is supposed to know and be able to do. (Reading and math assessments also help with this one.) In Danny's case, the teacher was comparing his behavior to her own daughter's behavior. She said her daughter acted the very same way when she was little.
All these comparisons help teachers draw some inferences about the causes of your child's behavior. The daughter's problem? Hearing loss. Viola! It must be Danny's problem, too.
Now, I know what you're thinking. Why not just ask us, the parents, who have years of knowledge about this child and can get to the bottom of this directions thing? And they might. But you have to admit: we're not always a trustworthy bunch. Don't you send your child to school in September with fingers crossed, hoping that last year's problems won't carry over to this year? I know I did. We might even know a problem is coming, but act surprised when a teacher tells us about it. In my case, we went through the same thing last year, and I got his hearing tested, but it was found to be normal. The teacher concluded that Danny just needs some extra prodding. Did I offer up this information to his new teacher at back to school night? No. I guess I could have, but I was hoping my pokey puppy would be more on the ball this year.
So, to review: teachers identify patterns, make comparisons, and infer causes. Teachers ascribe meaning to patterns that might be long-tem or short-lived, and sometimes their interpretations are accurate, and sometimes they aren't. Then what about my preposterous statement?
When a teacher says something is wrong with your child, she is right. Even if she's wrong.
Two words: self-fulfilling prophecy. A teacher has done all this work to ascribe meaning to what they see your child doing. They have convinced themselves that they see a pattern, and since the pattern is just like some other kid's pattern, and that your child probably has the same problem that the other child had. Oversimplified, sure, but they'll be excited that they noticed so much about any one child, given that they have 20 to 30 to watch every day. Encouraged that they've figured something out about your child, they'll tell you about their concern.
As Danny's teacher did, with the best of all intentions. Now, you may object on the basis that it's not a pattern. I didn't...I confirmed the pattern. Or you may object on her interpretation of the cause for that pattern. I did...I told her his hearing test came out normal. But I could tell she wasn't convinced. She told me those screenings don't always pick up everything and she started talking about her daughter. At this point I could have refused to get him tested again, knowing it was unnecessary. But that would have done two bad things: it would have hurt our rapport, and it would have thrown up a mental block for the teacher.
If you express these objections right now (he doesn't act that way at home, it's just a phase), the teacher will just think you are in denial. (Plus, there is a chance you actually are in denial.) In fact, the teacher will be so sure that she's onto something that if you don't follow up on it, she won't feel responsible if the pattern continues, because you didn't follow up on what she thought the cause is. And then she will unwittingly allow the pattern to continue or even get worse. So even if there wasn't a problem before, there will be soon enough. It's a mental block. The teacher needs to rule out the cause she thinks she has discovered before she'll be able to take up, with full confidence, the commitment to helping your child move past this pattern.
So that's why I got my son's hearing checked. Because I want her to expect him to follow directions. And she can't (and won't) do that if she believes, in her heart of hearts, that my little boy can't hear them.
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